Monday, 13 July 2009

Target # 1 : The Boss

123suits Even if you're a confident woman, when your man walks out on you something slides inside, you begin to question if maybe he's right, if you really aren't good enough. I began to wonder if what Dick had said might be true, if I would be alone forever, watching endless soaps in my freezing flat, wearing a home-knitted cardigan, covered by my 20 cats and smelling of piss. There was only one solution... find another man. And aim high.

There was no point targeting any of the following...

1. Sean Shagger. You know he's going to sleep with anything remotely resembling a female (heck, he'd probably go for animals, vegetables or minerals as long as they had a hole the right shape and didn't expect satisfaction) so steer well clear. Afterwards he'll just swagger about making out he targeted you when it's supposed to be the other way round. He's bad news.

2. Dave Desperate. You know the type - wild look in his eye, jitters, rattles the change in his pocket a lot...? If you go anywhere near him you can hear his breathing begin to get heavy and there's a weird sort of smell around him... Do not, under any circumstances even look him in the eye. Before you know it he will be texting you every 30 seconds, turn up everywhere you are and the next guy might end up with a cleaver through his skull. Don't even think about it!

3. Sam Shy. How long will this take? Life is far too short. By the time he's managed to summon up the courage to look you in the eye you could have worked your way through the local rugby team... and the opposition! No matter how sweet/lovely/gentle he is... you are on a mission, there's no time for 'nice'.

4. Val Vanilla. I use this term as a catch-all for anyone not in your league... don't touch him. He's going to be eternally grateful for getting anything at all and although he's bound to make a huge effort to please you, to prove he was worth it... he won't be. You'll just feel all gross and freaked out if you ever meet him again and you'll wake up sweating at 2am with memories of his hairy arse/man boobs/that thing he did with his finger....eughhh!

So who then? Who was going to make me feel good about myself again?

I worked out that if I wanted to get rid of the taint that Dick left with his 'you're not good enough for me anymore' speech, then I had to go right to the top. I had to target the unattainable. And no, I am not talking married -this game NEVER involves any man who is in a relationship... this is about woman-power and crapping on another woman's world is never acceptable. No, I mean a man who risked something to get me... who had to put something on the line... who would be in a little bit of trouble if it was ever discovered...

I went after my Boss!

Sunday, 12 July 2009

How it all began.

destroyed So, it's been two weeks since my husband, the love of my life for the past 13 years walked out on me. Dick had been my first love, my first lover and, apart from a few brief encounters, my one and only. When he made up his mind that I we were no longer a "team", that I didn't consider his needs important, that I didn't care about the same things he did... he slammed the door in my face.

To be honest it had been dead for a long time... and I'm not just talking about Little Dick! I'm a woman just entering her prime (and all you ladies out there will know exactly what I'm talking about!) and I was gagging for it 24/7, I was throbbing and twitching at the sight of anything remotely attractive over the age of 18. I'm fit, I know how to bench press, I can squat. Everyone guesses my age wrong. So when that door closed... another one opened.

I was free! No longer chained by the wedding ring to the kitchen sink, I could do anything I wanted without that nagging guilt. There had been moments over the years, nothing worth confessing but enough to let me know I could still pull if I wanted to.

Now I wanted to!

The first week was hell. For one thing my new social life couldn't be supported by a part-time job, I couldn't earn enough to go out clubbing every night. But I soon discovered that guilt can be assuaged with cash... and I milked Dick for all he was worth.

So, I'm set. I have enough money to buy the right clothes, I have the freedom, I have the insatiable desire... all I need now is the men!